Denial
by crazygee
Summary: Denial. Funny how it works, yeah? Here is a story of how Lily Evans has finally let herself embrace the truth that she harbors deep feelings towards her sworn enemy. Set in 5th year towards the 7th. Three-Shot.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: **Characters belong to J.K.Rowling.**  
**

**CHAPTER ONE**

Denial.

Funny how it works, yeah?

I have convinced myself that the feelings I have harbored are apathy, disgust and hate.

There was a time when I didn't give a damn to what words are spewing from his mouth. There are days when I couldn't care less to whatever rumors or reports that I have been hearing regarding their, "his" indiscretions.

I call it apathy.

Sooner or later, that apathy evolved to disgust. The rumors were in fact true. They, "he", was really who they said he was. I detested his arrogance. I was disgusted by his idiosyncrasies like how he ruffles his hair or how he smugly plasters his face with that nasty grin of his, or that lopsided smile, or when he furrows his eyebrows for the pretense that he doesn't get what you're saying yet he just wants to exaggerate every emotion, be the center of attention and all that habits that infuriate me to the bone!!

I told myself that I hated him. I absolutely, wholeheartedly loathed him beyond words could ever say.

And who was I kidding?

What I really hated was the fact that I liked his quirks. I am deeply drawn to his persistence: his persistence that led me believing that despite all the changes happening in the outside world, he is my constant.

No matter how Voldemort seems to attack muggleborns, muggles, blood traitors, muggle-lovers and purebloods alike, no matter how inconsistent my grades will be in every exam, no matter how unpredictable the moods of my girlfriends are, James Potter remains constant.

To every rejection I give, he bounces back with smugness, constantly hopeful that perhaps tomorrow, I will eventually say yes.

To every insult that comes from my mouth, he just casually shrugs it off knowing that the weight of my words could be compared with a feather, no less.

To every slap, punch, pinch or any bodily harm that I have inflicted against him, he treats them as nothing short but foreplay and sexual tension.

To every rolling of my eyes, angry grunt, scowl, glare or body expression that clearly indicate my abhorrence of him, his eyes seem to light up more as a sign that I have encouraged him further.

Two years, he has bothered me to end. Two full years. Not one day has passed where he suddenly appears at my side tormenting me with his nasty little quirks of fondness of his favorite redhead.

He was my constant.

Was, because nothing lasts forever.

I blame myself entirely. I crossed the line. I said too much. I lied too much.

Every single time that I try to replay the words that I said, I cannot help but be disgusted at myself. How can I be so selfish? I was just angry for losing my best friend that I have channeled all my anger against him. I wasn't really angry at him. I was angry at another. Wasn't he supposed to bounce back after every insulting comment that my stupid and rash mouth have uttered? Wasn't he supposed to shrug them off and relentlessly pursue me until I give in?

But he didn't. He actually listened to me and left me alone. Wasn't it what I told my friends that I have wanted all these years? I told them time and again, "why can't James Potter leave me alone?" But here I am, pathetically contemplating my actions and berating myself for lying to everyone and most of all to myself.

It was all my doing and I hated myself for it.

It all happened last May after the infamous Snivellus incident. I lost two things at once that fateful day.

I lost my best friend and I lost my… what do I call him?

My tormentor. My pursuer. My joker. My book holder. My door opener. My Quidditch hero. My muffin saver. My seat snatcher. My hair sniffer. My pranker. My hugger. My… admirer. My secret…

_My_ constant. _My_ James.

He was mine… or so I would like to believe… until that day.

After I have used up my vocabulary of offensive words against James and blatantly telling him in front of all those people that I rather date the Giant Squid than him, after Severus has waited up on me later that night apologizing profusely of his calling me a Mudblood severing (pardon the pun) whatever ties I have with him, James decided that it was the best time to _bother _me.

I was fuming against Severus and not James.

I was angry at Severus' choices, disgusted at his rash decisions, livid at his soon to be fate, furious against his character. All of these were directed at Severus and not James.

But James happened to show up seconds after my confrontation with Sev, riling me up even further.

"For God's sake James could you just leave me be? I can no longer tolerate your actions! All these years I have put up with your shenanigans, patiently hoping that one day, ONE DAY, you will examine your life, the choices that you have made and finally realize that there is more to life than pranks, bullying others and other childish things that you and YOUR band of misfits pathetically entertain yourselves to no end. YOU. DISGUST. ME. There is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in you that could ever, in this lifetime, make me want to LIKE you. So get that in your THICK HEAD, James Potter. I am NOT and NEVER ever will be your trophy. This is all a CHALLENGE to you isn't it? LEAVE.ME.ALONE."

I said the last three words slowly yet emphatically, lowering my voice as the tears in my eyes finally cascaded down my cheeks. I hastily wiped my eyes, spun my heel and headed towards the girl's staircase.

I was beyond caring at that point. I never even considered the possibility that James would even listen to me. It was Severus that has irked me beyond words. I had this idea at the back of my head that James will bounce back after this and realize that he was just an outlet, a punching bag.

But no. He didn't know about my conversation with Sev before him. He didn't. Those tears in my eyes were for Sev. I was so angry at him that he has wasted his life and wasted our friendship. It wasn't for James.

But no… James took things too seriously.

Now, here I am, a year after the incident, sitting in front of the fireplace at the Gryffindor common room, my feet tucked underneath me, contemplating everything that has happened.

James took things to heart after _that night._ He left me alone. He never spoke to me, looked at me nor approached me. He avoided me like I was a plague.

And it hurt. It hurt more knowing that it was all my doing.

On the train bound to King's Cross at the end of fifth year, I approached him and tried to apologize. But before the word "sorry" could even escape my mouth he cut me off and said "don't bother. It doesn't change anything. I'm sorry for taking up most of your time bothering you to no end. Don't worry. This will be the last of it. I promise you. Have a great summer, _lily._"

And with those words he left me there at the corridor, with tears at the corner of my eyes desperately wanting to be freed. I ran towards the loo and let the tears fall. My pride wouldn't let the others see how much of a wreck I was all because of James.

That time, the tears that I shed were for him.

This time, the tears in my eyes as I remember, were still for him. My heart ached for him.

I miss him, terribly. And this I will never admit to anyone.

6th year has gone by with us being civil. Casual greetings marked by plain good mornings, nods and a simple utterances of my name, were all I got from him. He didn't stop pranking people and bullying first years. He just toned them down. He didn't stop ruffling his hair for it became a mere nervous habit. He didn't stop freeing the snitch to catch it again for it ended up as a private reflex challenge for him. He didn't stop hexing first years; he only hexed them for fun, something that the object of his hexes could laugh with. He didn't stop hanging out with his band of misfits, their friendship only got stronger.

What stopped was everything that involved ME.

He stopped bothering me.

He stopped following me.

He stopped smiling at me.

He stopped pursuing me.

All of these broke my heart into millions of pieces.

I could no longer lie to myself. I am in love with James Potter. I have for a very long time and I know now, that I can only love him from afar.

* * *

Upstairs, James was staring at the Marauder's map, concentrating fully on one single dot, the curves and loops of the writing of that name, he has memorized: Lily Evans. He extends one finger and slowly traced her name, the only type of closeness he could ever get. He cannot touch her. He cannot approach her so he settles on tracing her name with a mere index finger.

She was never his, and never will be.

He remembered the times when he would invade her personal bubble and irk her to no end. He would grab her hand and feel its softness only for her to snatch it right back immediately. He remembered the times when he would occasionally give her a hug that will leave her so surprised to return it. He remembered the times when he…

James groaned and rubbed his eyes in frustration. He mustn't let himself remember.

Staring right at the parchment, he followed the name with his eyes as it went towards the girl's staircase and got tangled with the other list of names of girls in their respective dorm rooms. Lily has finally tucked herself in. He chanced a glance at the clock beside his table only to find that it is past 2 in the morning. He chuckled at the thought that this could be another thing that they both have in common. They were night owls. He let his mind wander and think about how many sleepless nights he could have enjoyed with her by his side…

James groaned in frustration again and berated himself for once again letting his thoughts wander at forbidden territory. He has a new mantra: He would not be sucked right back in the shit hole of what ifs and of blinded hope that his unrequited love will soon be returned.

He told his friends that he has stopped pursuing her. His actions might have stopped, but his feelings surely didn't. Try as he may to fight them, he simply cannot let them die down.

He finally admitted defeat. He could never win over this feeling.

He now knew that he could love her only from afar.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: **Characters belong to J.K.Rowling.**  
**

**CHAPTER TWO**

Once sure that Lily was no longer at the common room, James rose up from his four poster bed, silently peeked from the hangings to check whether his other mates were still awake. After finding out that all of them were sleeping soundly, he noiselessly walked towards the door shutting it behind him.

Being tormented with the notion of unrequited love, he has suffered from countless sleepless nights. It started on 4th year and extended up to the present. His body system soon adjusted to his situation caused by his predicament, making him nothing short of an insomniac. Years before, his idle time was always spent in front of the fireplace at the Gryffindor common room. However, at the start of 6th year, someone has robbed him of his favorite spot _every_ _single night_.

This has become a routine for James. He would be waiting for her to leave before he comes down to pass the time. For a full hour he was staring blindly at his parchment waiting for her to leave the common room so he could have his _space_. A year ago, he wouldn't have waited. He would be thanking the powers that be for keeping him awake for it would be an opportunity to spend time with her however bothersome he would be. But no, this wasn't fifth year. He has finally given her space and changed, for the better. He hasn't changed entirely for her, mind you. He changed for himself.

He wasn't completely altered, you see. He has just grown up, slowly. He has learned to set his priorities straight and ponder that there is truly more to this life than pranks, jokes, hexes and good old teenage fun. They are currently living in a world where evil is slowly creeping into households, degrading the society. The evil dark Lord named Voldemort, together with his minions he calls as Death Eaters are tearing families and various relationships apart; tainting the magical society with blind prejudices.

He has vowed to himself that he will not waste any of his time pining over _things_ which he cannot have and focus his attention on more important matters such as studies and the _real world._

But in as much as he tries to will away the feelings, distract himself with schoolwork, occasional healthy pranks and awareness of what's happening outside Hogwarts, his feelings simply wouldn't leave him be.

He still stares at her when no one is looking. He still writes her initials only not in test papers and his schoolbooks. He still longs for her attention, only not doing anything to catch it. He still loves her, only from afar. He has accepted this to be his fate, squashing all hope that his feelings would someday be returned.

A wave of nostalgia swept over him as he descended the staircase. Today marks the anniversary of _that fateful night_. A full year has passed ever since he had an epiphany that his life revolved around _her_ and he needed to do something about it before he looses himself completely. He wasn't really arrogant. He was confident, yet whenever _she_ was around, his confidence suddenly turns into conceit. He wasn't entirely a show-off, yet whenever he would spot_ her_ at the corner of his eye, he always had the sudden urge to bully someone just to display his magical prowess.

He was utterly pathetic. He always seemed to be at his worst whenever _she _was around.

_That night_ was a mere catalyst for his epiphany. His friends have often told him how he was beginning to be a hormonal love sick puppy for a girl. They have advised him to quit stalking her, following her around only to make a fool out of himself. He is _James Potter_ for crying out loud, they often exclaim. He has to act like himself.

Crossing the common room towards the place that Lily has just vacated moments earlier, he reminisces what happened _that night_. He can't believe that it has been only a year. It has seemed _longer _than a year He settled down on one of the cushions and spotted a cream sweater thrown haphazardly nearby.

It was _hers_. He was sure of it.

Should he keep it and return it to her personally? Or should he just leave it there knowing that Lily might retrieve it early in the morning? He debated strongly whether he should grant himself the pleasure of at least having something to talk to her about if he ever decided on returning it to her personally. He wasn't exactly going to _woo_ her again, isn't he? He was just going to return the god damn sweater! Nothing more, nothing less!

He stared at that _Lily thing_ beside him, still contemplating about what to do about that_ stupid_ sweater. He extends his hand over the cream material, highly tempted to savor the flowery smell that was distinctively_ hers_. James has made it his goal to stay away from Lily at any chance possible per Lily's wishes.. He wouldn't risk being in close proximity with her for it only reminds him of what he _had lost_. Even if she really wasn't his to begin with, still, he had the luxury to invade her personal space. He missed her and that _obnoxious_ sweater is begging to be touched, smelled and stared at. This was a pure moment of weakness, so he gave in. But as he was about to touch the fabric, he heard a soft gasp.

He turned his head quickly and was surprised to find the owner of that sweater staring blankly at him, her cheeks flushed, eyes a bit swollen, hair in slight disarray. He thought that she never looked this beautiful as the nearby fire illuminated her bright green eyes and streaked her hair with gold. He swallowed a lump in his throat, furrowed his eyebrows and forced himself to grunt a deep "Lily?"

* * *

She bit her lip and looked back at the staircase as she fidgeted with her hands clasped in front of her. It was ironic how earlier she badly wanted James to be exactly where he is right now, and when her wish was finally granted, she wanted desperately to run away from him and hide.

She honestly doesn't know what to say to him. Minutes earlier she was shedding tears for him, finally allowing her heart to accept the truth that she loved him for a long time. She wished for things to return to normal. She wished to be bothered. She wanted to be pursued. She desired to feel loved… _again_.

And now that he is right before her, sitting casually where she has stayed earlier, her heart ached knowing that he was so near, yet in fact, he was so far off. She finally willed her eyes back to him, locking green to hazel, forced a smile and whispered his name softly.

"James..."

* * *

Hearing her say his name was music to his ears. He hasn't talked to her properly for a year. He hasn't allowed himself to lock eyes with her for the longest time. And now, a year after _that night_, he allowed himself to hope that perhaps, both of them could put it behind them and see if anything has changed. No, he wasn't hoping that she would return his feelings. He was hoping that they could be… friends.

He knew that it would be hard to be friends with someone with whom you are secretly in love with. It will be like putting the forbidden fruit between your eyes 24/7 tempting yourself even more; hurting yourself further because you know it is something that you cannot have. But James has decided that he'll take his chances. It was better to be friends with her than have nothing at all.

What made him change his mind? For a full year he has vowed to himself that he will leave her alone. Wasn't that what she wanted? Wasn't that what she asked of him that fateful night? Yes it truly was. But he reasoned to himself that it was a year ago. Surely Lily would have noticed the change in him. He was certain that something might have changed between them at least. He was hoping for the better. He was confident of this fact for he caught her looking at him a few times this past months. Could she have finally liked him now that he has left her alone?

The thought crossed his mind but determined as he was to not be overcame by blinded hope, he reasoned that perhaps she was just weirded out by his silence.

He was a brand new James, still in love with the same girl, but a different James altogether. He has a new goal for his last year at Hogwarts. He wanted to get to know her better and perhaps, they could not be just friends, but _good_ friends.

Perhaps it was the sadness that he saw in her smile or the puffiness of her eyes making her appear vulnerable that made him forget his previous resolutions and form a new one. He badly wanted to be her friend at that very moment. He will be risking his heart again, _but_, he now knows the consequences. He now knows his limits. He now knows the repercussions if he ever crossed the line.

Having a new resolve, he then asked her a question that startled Lily. She was half expecting him to leave instantly once he has set his eyes on her. For the whole year, she has grown accustomed to his evading her, barely saying anything of importance to her. It was always a quick "hello", "please pass the juice", "excuse me", "sorry", "hey" and "bye." But now, it was different.

Something has definitely changed.

* * *

"Hey Wormtail!! Save some for James will you? You're drowning yourself in that soup and hogging all the potatoes to yourself." Sirius yelled towards Peter accompanied by a huge slap in the back as the tiny blond haired fellow choked on his food.

"Kent hepit. Emgry. Lemhugoa kiten." Peter mumbled as he swallowed his food.

"You idiot! The train will be leaving in a half an hour! He can't go to the kitchens!" Sirius added as he playfully gave his friend another slap in the head.

"Give me those potatoes!" said Sirius as he forcefully pulled back the remaining plate towards himself away from Peter, making him squeak and glare nastily against the raven haired lad.

"Padfoot. Stop hitting Wormtail. Wormtail, save Prongs some potatoes", said the lanky and scarred sandy haired schoolboy named Remus sitting across the two arguing friends. He didn't even look up from the paper he was currently reading. Such argument seemed a natural occurrence in the group, with the lanky boy as the mediator.

Just as Sirius opened his mouth to give some nasty retort against Remus' scolding, a tall, messy haired, hazel eyed young man with glasses, lousily slumped beside Remus and prodded his chin with his right hand. His hair was wilder than normal, his glasses terribly askew resting on the tip of his nose giving peek to the bags obvious under his eyes.

"What the hell happened to you", said Sirius as he gaped at his best friend.

"Huh?" said James, lazily scratching the tiny follicles of hair that grew on his chin.

"I said, what the hell happ" before Sirius could finish his sentence, an equally disgruntled red haired girl with bags under her eyes sat not too far from their group called the Marauders. She was greeted in the same manner by her own set of friends.

After noticing Lily's appearance which was similar to that of his best friend, Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and after some thought plastered a nasty grin on his face. He leaned forward, whispered and said tactlessly "a secret rendezvous with Miss Prissy kept you both awake all night huh Prongs? TskTsk."

James, who gave a sloppy wave to the redhead just as she was seated three seats from him, receiving a tilt of the head and a sweet yet tired smile, didn't quite grasp his best friend's question and muttered another "huh?" in response.

Remus, who was the only one who noticed the surprising exchange, rolled up his Daily Prophet to smack Sirius in the head forcefully.

"Hypocrite! What did you bloody do that for!!" said Sirius as he irritatingly rubbed the back of his head.

"If Lily heard what you said you'll get more than a smack in the head you dolt", excused the voice of reason in the group.

"Hah" was all Sirius could mutter in response knowing full well that his friend was right.

Seeing that Lily's friends have started to leave the table for any last minute packing, Remus saw this as an opportunity for James to be left alone with Lily. He has been observing the pair attentively for the past month and he knew that something was inevitably bound to happen between them. Being the great persuader that he is, he successfully convinced his two friends that there was last minute Marauder business to attend to and they should leave James alone with his potatoes.

Remus, together with a still hungry Peter and an irritated Sirius left the Great Hall to an urgent Marauder business that involves a tutu, pink hair and shampoo, courtesy of Sirius' brilliant Snivellus prank, amazingly convincing Remus to be a part of for James' sake, no less.

Just as the others left the table, James scooted himself nearer to Lily and said "what we both need is coffee. Black."

Lily chuckled in agreement.

"Too right, you are."

* * *

Oh the irony of it all.

Wasn't it only yesterday that I was bawling my eyes out because of him? Yet here I am, staring at nowhere as the passing landscape is blurred by the torrents of rain pouring against the moving train leaving my window spot free. The rain has washed away every speck of dirt, only signaling a clean slate.

Oh the analogy.

It's just like how my relationship with James is at the moment. It's spot free for we both have clean slates to begin with. Simply because of this, I can't help it if there's a smile plastered on my face for hours now. I never have thought _this_ was possible.

It's funny how a simple question has changed everything. Those three words uttered by him by the fire, started the change. I am truly grateful that my decision to retrieve my sweater overpowered my reason of leaving it there and asking them from the elves later in the morning.

I can remember every bit of detail how it started.

"_What is wrong?_" he asked me, his eyes laden with concern.

This has startled me for I half expected him to abandon me in an instant once he recognized it was me and not some random insomniac. But he didn't. Instead of greeting me a cold "hello" and moving away quickly to escape my horrible presence, his eyes were filled with genuine concern that night, making me melt into a puddle of goo, no less.

If only I could tell him that he was the reason why I was spending too many sleepless nights, then all this drama would be over. But no. Things aren't that simple, right? I can't exactly tell him, "what's wrong? It's because I miss you terribly. I was a blind idiot who was in total denial before but here I am now, blessed with an epiphany that I was dead wrong. Take me now; I'm yours, all yours!"

So I opted for an easy way out and stammered, "I had… a…a… nasty nightmare… but I'm… I'm… awake now… obviously…"

It was true, half true anyway. 6th year was a nightmare. It was hell for me. And James, speaking once more to me, with feeling, woke me up from that dreadful nightmare.

"You want to… talk about it", asked a very concerned James, who at that moment stood, looked down at me, and grabbed my forearm tenderly.

I bit my lip then feeling the heat of his palm against my cold skin. I instantly remembered how such touch _used to_ evoke various feelings to me on the previous years. I remembered resisting reveling in the warmth of his hand against mine when he _used to_ grab my hand out of nowhere. I remembered refusing to enjoy the tenderness of his hug when he _used to_ envelope me his arms surprising me, leaving me no time to push him away. I remembered a huge part of me fighting my feelings. Yet there I was then at that moment, last night or earlier this morning at around 3 am, fully aware of my strong feelings as they hit me full force.

My stomach was in knots, twisting and turning my insides. I could hear the thunderous pounding of my heart, fearing that he could hear them too. I badly needed to calm myself before I answered. So it took me a while to reply. I closed my eyes, took a breather and replied to his inquiry with a soft rejection, coupled with thanks.

I said "no, I'm fine. Thanks anyway… I better go…"

And with those words without waiting for a reply, badly wanting to escape his presence which was intoxicating yet suffocating, I turned away and tried to leave forgetting that his hand still grasped my arm.

He called my name and let his hand slid from my forearm down to my hand, gripping my fingers slightly, sending goosebumps to my skin. I felt color rise to my cheeks then. I closed my eyes, squeezed his hand waiting for him to let me go to no avail. He squeezed my hand back and started saying things which completely caught me off guard, _again._

God, James has surprised me a lot that night.

"Listen… Lily… I'm… I'm really sorry for everything Lily… I truly am…sorry for everything. I never had the guts to…apologize properly…" I heard him say softly.

He was still holding my hand trying to catch my eye as he explained that I was right _that night_. He was immature and he deserved my _scolding_. I quickly cut him off the moment I heard him defending my actions, telling me that he deserved every word I said.

"No. Stop."

"No, Lily. Let me finish. I really am sorry… so sorry for bothering you…"

"James, please. Stop. Just stop."

I forcefully told him to stop apologizing. Every bit of me that wanted to leave was all thrown to the window once I heard his words. I couldn't let him defend my actions. I was the one who needed to apologize. I was the one who caused all of this drama. It was not him. It was me. Silly silly old me.

He finally stopped, listened to me and as his eyes locked into mine, all thoughts were also thrown to the window. In other words, I stammered through my apology. I have pictured this confrontation a thousand times in my head. I have memorized what I wanted to say yet when I was there, at that particular moment, I stammered like a blundering fool.

Oh what a turn about. I, Lily Evans, at around 3 AM while at the Gryffindor common room was completely enamored with James' piercing stare and ended up stammering through my apology.

This is what happens when one has finally accepted that she has been living in denial for so long a time, finally letting all those repressed feelings out in the surface. I have never in my life felt so surprised and embarrassed at how I turned out. Gryffindor pride, right my ass.

"I, need to apologize. It was… terribly rude of me to say… to say those things to you. You, you, DO NOT deserve them. I was… I was… angry… angry at someone… my… my best friend… and… and… you happen to show up… show up just seconds after… after our fight and… and I took my anger out on you. No, James, let me finish. Please… Please let me finish. You don't… You don't… disgust me… You really don't… In fact… I…the truth is… I…I…"

Finally realizing what my mouth was supposed to say next, I was horrified. Amazingly, I stopped myself before I made any hasty confession in the spur of the moment. James took it as his opening, squeezed my hand yet again and asked me.

"You… You're not… disgusted with me? I thought… I thought… you hated me!"

With those words, he released my hand, gaped at me, massaged his temple and let out a huge sigh.

"I really didn't mean any of those things that I told you James!"

I pleaded with him as it was now me who grabbed his free hand, the one not massaging his temple, forcing him to look me in the eye to see that I was telling the truth.

After a moment of silence, I heard him chuckle leaving me bewildered. I was pleading with him back then and there he was standing in front of me, chuckling.

Bastard.

_Cute _bastard.

"James!"

"Sorry… Lily…" He tried to say in between laughs.

"James! Eh?"

"Sorry… It's just… I never imagined us to be arguing over who should really be the one who should apologize. It's…" and once more he laughed.

"It's… weird." He smiled sheepishly at me.

He looked cute back then that I couldn't help but grin back at him, and follow it with my own chuckle. He laughed with me and we continued for a few minutes until there were tears in our eyes and pain in our stomachs.

Our laughs blended harmoniously and beautifully. They resonated at the empty common room at the wee hours of the morning.

I feel like I was in Utopia.

But thinking about it, it was truly weird. One moment we were gaping at each other, speechless. The next we were quite serious. And the next arguing over who should apologize. And the next, laughing together. This wasn't your typical James-Lily banter at Hogwarts.

It was a first: A first and definitely not the last.

It was surreal how the night wore on between James and me. We actually talked, laughed, teased each other and acted as _friends_. He offered to accompany me to the kitchens to trouble the elves by asking for some scones and hot mugs of chocolate. We had trouble waking up the fat lady at the ungodly time of the day, around 4 in the morning, as we headed to fill our stomachs with food and returned three hours later.

Yes, that's the reason why we both needed coffee at the Great Hall. Black coffee.

What a way to end my 6th year, agree?

I can't even begin to wonder how my last year will be.

_Oh James._

It wouldn't hurt if I will allow myself to hope, right?


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: **Characters belong to J.K.Rowling.

**CHAPTER THREE**

Have you ever felt torn between the feelings of being excited yet horrified at the same time? There is this unexplainable anticipation towards something that could either be frightful or pleasurable. Temple throbbing, sweaty palms, side spasms and heart pounding are just a few of the bodily sensations that only prove such _dreadful anticipation._

I felt my heart tightening as I crossed Platform 9 ¾ entering reality. Yes, the magical world is _my_ reality: A reality which causes anxiety, disappointment, dread, fear, joy and _love._ It is a world where I am faced with the horrors of the dark Lord oppressing those he consider as beneath him by virtue of blood. It is a world where I am not sheltered by my parents' guidance, support and comfort. It is a world where I am not a normal 17 year old teenage redhead whose only concerns are to have fun, drink alcohol, do drugs, party and fall in love. It is a world where _he_ exists.

"This is my last year," I said to myself as I absentmindedly traced this badge pinned on my school robe. It was a _head girl badge. _

It was a badge which only means responsibility and more responsibility.

I aim to leave a mark at Hogwarts. I aim to make a difference. I aim… to have fun this year. I pushed my trolley slowly and distractedly amidst the throng of young students cluttering near the entrance, as I pictured in my brain various scenarios of me working my butt off as head girl. It wasn't a pleasant thought altogether. I will be spending my last year with work, work, work and more work comprised of NEWTs, Head responsibilities, Voldemort and sexual tension plus gigantic amount of self control I should exhibit towards a certain you-know-who. "How could that be fun," I scoffed at myself.

I met up with a couple of friends to catch up with people whom I will terribly miss once the year ends. We parted ways so I could settle myself to the heads compartment after many congratulations, gossips and 'I miss yous'. Not only am I going to have my own compartment at the train, I am going to be spending my time away from friends at a separate dorm at Hogwarts. And who am I going to be spending all these privileges with? My lucky guess is no other than the high and mighty headboy. Who else could be headboy? Certainly not a fun-loving, havoc wreaking, attention stealing handsome genius I know. Anyone _but_ him.

Do I really have no faith in him that he could be headboy? It's not that. He wasn't made prefect back in 5th year. Besides, he has his own record for the most detentions acquired at school. How can Dumbledore possibly appoint him as a role model?

There goes my wishful thinking.

Goodbye sleepless nights spent with _him_ for I would be busy roaming the school grounds with a certain headboy. Goodbye late night kitchen trips for I would be busy tallying detention slips here and there for McGonagall.

7th year would be _fun_. _Yeah, right_

As I was about to lift my trunk to board the train, someone whispered in my ear, a voice that I absolutely recognized, releasing hot breath on my shivering neck leaving a trail of goosebumps all over my skin from the neck down.

"Need help with that Miss Headgirl," a dashing young man offered in a deep, low and seductive voice to a tensed lady with a broad grin that accentuated his dimpled cheek.

"JAMES!!" I exclaimed loudly beaming at him to match his knee-wobbling smile. He then pointed proudly to something pinned at his chest, winking at me in the process.

"Oh.My.Goodness" were the first words that came out from my mouth the moment my eyes recognized _that shiny thing_.

A headboy badge.

He is the headboy. The headgirl's partner. _My _partner.

Hello sleepless nights. Hello kitchen trips. Hello dream 7th year.

Life is beautiful.

Perhaps it was the tasty breakfast I ate that morning, the cool breeze that caressed my skin when I left my home, the 8 hour sleep I had that night or the caffeine in my system that made me squeal and jump right into James' arms.

_Those arms._

Thank God for his Quidditch reflexes, he caught me in his muscular arms, lifted me off the ground embracing me tighter and spun me around as I felt his laughs reverberating in his chest.

"Isn't this brilliant," James exclaimed breathlessly as he gently placed me on the ground, still holding my waist at arms length, his hazel eyes gleaming.

My hands _accidentally_ slipped from his neck down to his forearms feeling the developed muscles I wasn't fortunate to see _yet._

"IT IS!! You have no idea how I am dreadfully anticipating this seventh year! I thought I will be swamped with work, work and more work! With you as partner, I'm sure it will be… FUN," I replied with equal vigor and sparkling of eyes.

"You bet!" He winked.

"Why didn't you tell me you're headboy in your letters," I demanded with a slight whine in my voice.

He tilted his head, raised an eyebrow and said "And what, miss this kind of congratulations from you? I'm glad I didn't." He beamed at me and I felt his fingers gently squeeze my waist after tracing random patterns at my side.

I groaned inwardly at his little ministrations, and thought to myself, _"I'm glad you didn't. This way is better." _

"I'm _so_ proud of you James," I earnestly told him, enjoying the comforts of where my hands and his hands are currently lodged.

He teased, "I know, I'm _so _proud of me too," smirking at me.

"Prat." I playfully smacked his flat and hard stomach, letting my hand linger a little longer than necessary

"Oooooof," James cowered in pain, mock pain.

"Don't be such a baby!" I placed my hand on my waist as if scolding a toddler who happens to be towering over me.

"I'm not quitting my day job," he replied, wiggling his manly eyebrows right at me.

I raised my perfectly arched eyebrow at him. "Prat or baby?"

He placed two fingers under his chin, caressing the stubble that made him look more delectable, pursed his lips and creased his forehead to appear like he was contemplating over something.

"I'll say," He paused. "The arrogant bullying toe rag type of prat. What's yours," he asked in a teasing tone with a hint of a smile on his lips.

The corner of my lips slightly twitched at his playful repartee. I murmured "Lilmisprss."

"I'm sorry I didn't quite get that?" He placed one hand over his ear daring me to say it out loud.

I stuck my tongue out at him and said, "Little Miss Prissy."

He clasped his hands together. "Ah! Wonderful! Wonderful! Today marks the day where the arrogant bullying toerag joins forces with the little miss prissy, headboy and headgirl extraordinaire." He pumped his fist in the air and dramatically exclaimed "Oh Hogwarts, must thou be damned with such a union as this!"

I finally gave in to the laugh I was suppressing and clutched his arm for support._Anything for human contact, you see._ He took my hand and properly tucked it inside one of his arms as he led me to the Heads compartment.

It was a relief knowing that we both could joke over what happened, over how we perceived the other years ago. It was as if _it_ never happened. And boy was I glad that I will be spending all of my seventh year as Headgirl with a friendly, playful, teasing, handsome, and slightly grown up version of _him._

As we passed the other compartments, I barely noticed the number of heads turning at the sight before them: James and Lily walking side by side, arms together, talking lively and not yelling their throats out or avoiding each other. My best friend Audrey, who used to have a thing for James, pointed this out to me during the Sorting at Hogwarts. I could care less about what people were saying regarding James and me. We both knew that we wasted too much time with our stupid _fight _and we only had a year left to make things right.

* * *

September.

October.

November.

December.

Four months have passed and James and I grew closer. I blame it on the fact that we have the same classes, we live in the same Heads dorm and we mingle with the same set of friends. I started eating with the Marauders, dragging my best friend with me, and soon enough, my other girl friends decided to join the wagon.

He was the first person that I run to whenever I have good news, gossip, bad news to the most mundane things. I confided in him, trusted him, depended on him and loved him _more_, if that was even possible.

I see him and spend time with him day in and day out. From idle nights, school nights, ordinary nights, to school days, work days, fun days, we were always together, doing things _together_ but still _not together_. It was frustrating.

Very frustrating, indeed.

Even if I had admitted to myself all that I was feeling towards _him_ I still denied it to my friends, even my very best friend. It was a personal thing, a private feeling that I only wanted to share with him and no one else.

I kept on putting it off for later, the coward that I am, and it was because of this fact, plus my keeping things from my best friend that made my predicament with James all the more frustrating when January came.

I should have told him how I felt _sooner_. But I didn't. I was a complete and utter coward.

* * *

I was busily finishing a tally McGonagall has left for both James and me at the Heads Common Room when an overly excited Audrey rushed towards me disturbing me from my concentration.

"Oh my goodness Lily", she squealed like a fan girl, "YOU wouldn't believe what happened!" She was giggling hysterically, her cheeks flushed, her big brown eyes sparkling.

"_Oh no"_ I thought to myself. I knew where this is going. I gripped my quill, clenched my other fist and said indifferently, "what now Audrey?"

Ever since she came back from Christmas holidays, my goodness, it seemed like she has been drowning herself in estrogen, all her female idiosyncrasies magnified to an annoying degree and focused on one _person._

"It's bloody brilliant! I knew it! I just knew it! All this time!"

"_This is not happening," _I muttered to myself feeling a bit queasy at the moment.

I chanced a glance at her and saw her twirl in excitement and dreamily throw herself on the sofa. She was in a state of euphoria. I _should_ be happy for her, I know I should, but I know that I can't. I_ am_ a selfish creature. I can't be happy for her knowing that she would be happy with _him_ and _him _with her, and _not with me._

For _two frustrating weeks_, Audrey has suddenly redeveloped her _thing_ for _my_ James. She was always pointing out all his _Jamesieness_ that made him utterly delectable to _her_ eyes and all those squealing fan girls who happened to worship the ground that our star chaser Headboy extraordinaire walked on.

_Isn't he adorable? Look at that ass! My, I didn't know his eyes are hazel! My goodness! They're lovely! Have you seen his abs? I bet he's even more beautiful underneath those clothes! Look at his pecs! Isn't he sweet? He winked at me today! I wish I could run my hands on that hair! Could you ask him what he thought of me? Do you think I have a chance? Come on Leeee-leeee!_

Ugh.

Was she a late bloomer or something? I mean, why now?

Ugh.

I had to endure all of that for two whole weeks. I even had to avoid her for some days so I could do my ogling _alone._

I was selfish. Purely and utterly selfish. I want him for myself. Only I didn't have the guts to ask him out like how Audrey had.

She was the true Gryffindor, not me.

"It's about James!! Finally" She exclaimed as she swiftly sat up, rested her chin on the arm rest of the sofa and stared at me with knowing eyes.

She promised me that I will be the first one she would tell whenever the opportune time came where she would ask him out. By the look of things, she finally did. And he probably said yes. I don't have to be a genius to figure this one out.

This piece of unwanted information certainly hurts.

I felt like a thousand bludgers hit me on various sides of my body. My lips trembled, my hands shook, my pulse rate was erratically rising and I couldn't control myself any longer. I badly needed to vent out.

All I saw was green.

I was irrationally jealous. I was jealous of her and of what she possibly had or could have. The worst part is that she is my best friend.

I have been long used to the public James ogling of random midgets, awkward tweeners, annoying fangirls who aren't the least bit close to me. But not this: not my best friend _with_ him.

Whenever I see her flirting with him or trying to catch his attention, for a moment there, I would have smacked her with a beater's bat for all I care. But thankfully the insanity slips away in an instant and I remember my place. I am just a friend. I am just _his _friend. Sadly.

I quickly turned my back to her and started piling up all the scattered papers on the desk. I really had to leave before my actions give me away. I am confident that no one could see through my strong unaffected façade and state of perpetual denial.

I finally felt the tears prick the corner of my eyes and hastily said, "Listen Audrey I have to go bring this to McGonagall. I'll come back later, promise!"

I ran as fast as I could because I was a coward. I couldn't bear to hear what she had to say so I ran before reality slaps me hard in the face.

I felt the tears cascade down my cheeks as I reached the front doors of Hogwarts. I badly needed air. I needed to breathe and feel the openness of my surroundings so I wouldn't feel like the world is closing in on me. My heart was tightening on the inside. I needed space.

I opened the doors and let the cool breeze enter my lungs, letting the cold numb away the pain from within. I sauntered towards the lake and slumped at the damp grass clenching my fists against them.

I groaned in frustration. "Stupid stupid Lily."

"Stupid stupid Audrey," I jealously added.

"Stupid stupid James, arggggh!" I finally screamed out all my frustrations, blaming people, but most of all, blaming my silly old self.

"Stupid, coward, idiot, fool." I berated myself for all the things that I was feeling. I was angry at myself, frustrated at what's happening, jealous of my best friend, ashamed amongst other things. I do believe that the grass suffered most with regards to my pent up anger and frustration. I looked down and saw bald patches of earth encircling me.

Me and my temper.

I sat there for god knows how long until I felt someone at close proximity mirroring my position. I instantly knew it was _him_. He didn't say anything. He just sat beside me, looked at me occasionally and sighed a number of times.

I hugged my knees closer to my chest letting a few minutes passed us in silence: comfortable silence, as we watched the giant squid appear then disappear at the lake. He was the one who finally broke it.

"You know…" He seemed very thoughtful so I waited.

"You know… when you told me… you'd rather date the giant squid than me, it left me thinking…"

I stiffened. "W-What?" I asked with my voice hoarse from all the tears and choked sobs from before.

"You.Fancy.It." He tilted his head towards the lake with that adorable smirk on his face. This was his attempt to cheer me up, and it worked.

"I reckon if _it_ were a man, you'd snog the living daylights out of him at any chance possible."

I snorted.

"Once its annoying tentacles are transformed into muscular limbs," he began to flex his muscles animatedly, "like mine, you'd jump him".

I began to cover my mouth with my hand to suppress my giggles.

"Maybe that's the reason why you're still single, you're waiting for _it_ to become a man. Tsktsk. I pity those blokes" he gestured back at the castle, "who are dying to get their hands on one Miss Lily Evans whose heart solely belongs to this ghastly creature."

"Pity that," was all that I could reply.

"Thanks…" I hastily added, finally recovered from my jealous rage.

He mock bowed and said, "At your service my lady" chuckling softly.

Silence ensued again as we both stared at the still lake before us. I rested my chin on my knees as James decided to skip stones, an attempt to anger the Squid.

He too seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts. I could see him at the corner of my eyes pursing his lips and creasing his forehead a tell-tale sign that he was busily contemplating over something important.

_Was I too quick to assume that he said yes to Audrey? If he truly did say yes, I still have a chance right? Don't I? It was just a date. Will I risk my friendship with her for my own feelings if I confess to James now? Would I be that selfish? She has known him longer, been friends with him longer, surely she deserves him more right? But he has pursued me before, and __not her. Plus, James and I are definitely closer. Surely, that must mean something, right? Do I deserve him more then? _

All of these questions were running amuck in my brain before I finally decided to throw all pretensions aside, and give it one last shot.

My heart was pounding, and my hands which embraced my knees were clasped together with palms sweating profusely. _I simply had to know. I wouldn't let it go, _I thought inwardly.

"What's your excuse," I blurted out breaking the silence.

"Huh?"

_This is it._

"I have the Giant Squid keeping me single. What's your excuse?" I asked him without taking my eyes off the scene in front of me, making my tone light and friendly, simply casual.

His hasty reply was totally unexpected yet _hoped for _in a way.

Perhaps he was too overcome by his own thoughts that he managed to say he said without thinking. Or perhaps he was busily thinking about the same thing that I was thinking... Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Perhaps he turned down Audrey and was contemplating the reasons why. But if he did, why would she be squealing like an idiot looking like he said yes? Perhaps he said yes and he was guilty about it. _Yeah, dream on, _I told myself. Too many possibilities. One thing was for sure. Whatever he replied to me, it was a slip of the tongue, a purely unguarded moment which disrupted his reverie and made me forget about Audrey. It was another pure and unadulterated selfish moment. _Can you blame me?_

He was about to throw the stone when he answered me. He froze as soon as his words left his mouth.

"You" was all he said. One word and it sealed everything.

_I_ was gobsmacked.

I wanted to hear it for_ so_ long, but still, I was shocked.

I abruptly looked at him and heard him say "Shit" forcefully.

He stood up and began pacing back and forth cussing under his breath.

I was too shocked to stand up. I knew that once I do, my wobbly knees would soon give up on me. My mouth was left hanging open as a torrent of emotions rushed into me. I couldn't figure out which was the strongest, elation or shock.

As James took his time berating himself, I took my time organizing my jumbled thoughts. "_This was it._ _Finally. I wouldn't let this go" _I resolved to myself.

James knelt in front of me and pleaded "Please Lily, I… didn't know what came over me… I wasn't supposed to…"

He didn't finish what he was saying but instead covered his head with his hands. I mirrored his position, knelt in front of him, scooted closer and placed one hand on his shoulder. He still wouldn't look at me.

"James…" I implored. He didn't budge an inch.

I called his name again, this time a little bit forcefully. With that, he looked up, and I saw the hint of some tears on the corners of his eyes.

"I don't want anything to change between us Lily... I love being your friend… and I don't want this" he pointed towards me and him, "to change."

"I've tried so hard to be your friend… Please… Don't…I don't want things to change…" He begged as he hung his head.

I finally understood him. He was afraid that I will start moving away after his confession, destroying our friendship, something that we both have treasured immensely.

He thought that I will start avoiding him like the plague after this. He thought that I will soon be building a barrier between us, bringing us back to the hell that was 6th year. He thought that I… that I didn't feel the same…

My heart ached for him._He has to know. He deserves to know_.

I bit my lip as tears of my own threatened to spill down. "Oh but I do." I said as softly as I could.

"W-what?" He gaped at me.

I didn't bother answering him with words. I showed him.

I wanted things to change between us. I no longer wanted to be his friend because I wanted _more._

At that moment, I was proud to have realized that I truly was a Gryffindor at heart.

* * *

Unbeknownst to both James and Lily, two pairs of eyes were busying themselves with their own omnioculars watching the lake scene unfold before their curious eyes.

The girl squealed happily, giggled like a child, and jumped up and down barely able to contain her state of excitement.

The man beside her merely chuckled in response, pumped his fist in the air triumphantly congratulating himself for a job well done.

"Finally!" The man heartily said.

"I know." The ecstatic girl threw herself at the nearby sofa. "All the hard work paved off. Thank goodness!" She ended with a giggle.

The sandy haired boy proudly stated, "Sirius owes me ten galleons. Peter too."

"And Anne, Elizabeth and Jane, five galleons each. Thanks Remus!" The slim blonde haired girl beamed at her companion.

"You are a wonderful actress Audrey. Very believable."

"I do my best! Anything for my best friend." She mock-bowed.

Remus chuckled and said, "and galleons perhaps?"

"And that too!" She laughed with gusto as she grabbed her omnioculars once more and spied on the _couple_.

"_Oh my._"

She sniggered and said, "All that sexual tension has finally been released. I wonder what the midgets will say if they _ever_ see James and Lily right at this very moment".

Remus grabbed his own omnioculars, peered at the window and guffawed.

"They will never live this down."

"We have evidence!" Audrey said with a nasty grin on her face as she pointed her finger towards the device. "It's a good thing James is wealthy." She continued.

Remus clasped his hands together and exclaimed, "Blackmail! What say you, twenty galleons?"

"No, make it fifty."

With that, both Remus and Audrey planned their next scheme.

** THE END **

* * *

**A/N : **I hope you guys liked it!


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